Monotony

I'm getting tired of routine.
Especially considering it's summertime and the only thing that should be constant is having fun.
Work is enjoyable and it's the only time where I really enjoy having a routine because it makes the day go by smoother, although a variation in our day would be nice.
But outside of work, routine is getting old.
The same people, the same drinks, the same drama.
All the time. And I can tell it's getting to everyone, not just me.
May and June were the most ridiculous months of my life. And they were a blast.
But July was different, because it was exactly the same.
And every time I tried to break out of the ordinary, to go out with new people, or have an adventure or two, it just made it even harder to come back and do the same things again.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and my life, but we are in a funk right now.
I need something else. I'm not sure what though.

Creepy, I want more.

I was first introduced to Cage a few weeks ago when the video for "I Never Knew You" came on the tv in the background at a party I was at. Something in me connected to it. In the following days I don't know how many times I listened to that song. The combination of Cage's voice, the beat and the lyrics just made me feel. I could never even pinpoint the emotion, I just know that it was something deeper than my everyday contentment. I began talking to friends that are Cage fans and listening to more of his music and learning more about him. Last Friday a few of us went to see him at the Marquis. I stood in the front row and watched Cage spill his life story as art. I knew the stories about his heroin addict father, his abusive step-father, and his time in Stoney Lodge, but I never expected to feel the stories as much as I did on Friday. Something inside of me awoke during that hour and a half set, I came home and couldn't even compose a sentence to Paige. I just rode my bike around my neighborhood and let myself think and feel.
In case you don't already know, I've never been one to talk about feelings with other people. It's hard enough for me to even acknowledge to myself when I feel something, anything. Even at a young age, I was the one other people came to to fix their problems, I never had time to have my own issues. I never had a problem with this, but it obviously took a toll on me. During high school the emotions that I had bottled up for years started to leak out, creating a variety of unpleasant events in my life. I promised friends, family, and my therapist that I'd get better at sharing my real feelings. I'm sure I tried for a little while.
However I can say with certainty that the past few weeks are the first time in years that I've really let myself think about my emotions. Listening to Cage and letting myself open up and allowing myself to feel whatever emotions are running through me is actually kind of refreshing, while being unsettling at the same time.
This post isn't really expressing what I want it to, I just had to write something. I haven't blogged in so long, I just wanted to type. But the chance that someone might read this makes me unable to share certain thoughts that are bouncing around my brain right now. I can't help it.


Did you know that I am dangerously attracted to people with severe issues?